Relational tools to help you engage.

better communication starts with you.

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
- Colossians 4:5-6

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." -Ephesians 6:18

How do everyday people—like you and I—respond when the questions feel too big, too hard, or outright confrontational? What do we do when we don’t know the answer or even flat‑out disagree? How do we point back to Jesus when all the barriers seem to be up?

The skills below will show you how to meaningfully engage in everyday conversations. We don’t just hand you answers—we sharpen your relational skills. Because it’s not just what you say—it’s how you say it.

The goal is never about winning, instead, it’s always about connecting. And always for the sake of sharing the gospel.

PERMISSION BASED LANGUAGE
removes pressure in the conversation

Permission based language seeks consent to move forward in a conversation allowing it to be mutual. This approach helps people to not feel interrogated even if you are asking most of the questions and helps you know how far into the conversation someone is willing to go. Here are some example phrases you can use to preface your questions:

“Would it be ok if….”
”Would it be ok if I asked you a few more questions about your experience?”
“Are you open to…”
”Are you open to hearing what I know about the Bible?”
“I don’t want to assume anything…”
”I don’t want to assume anything, -would you be willing to fill me in about why you believe that?”
“I’m just curious…”
”I’m just curious if have you ever considered if praying about that would help?”
“Could I ask…”
”Could I ask you a few more questions about that?”

CLARIFYING QUESTIONS

get comfortable asking questions

Asking clarifying questions is a great way to further a conversation and helps prompt people to elaborate their thought. It is a way for you to: ensure you are understanding them, gain additional information, remove ambiguity, prompt someone to reflect further on their statements and ensure that you are not making assumptions about what they are saying. Remember tone matters! Here are some examples:

"What do you mean by that?"
"Tell me more.”
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
"Can you give/share an example?"
"Correct me if I am wrong, what I hear you saying is...?"
“What else are you thinking?”
“Could you explain that another way?”

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
allows room for people to share what’s on their mind

Open-ended questions require a more complex response than simply “yes” or “no”. These questions encourage people to open up and provide more information. Try rephrasing your questions to be open-ended to help further the conversation. Remember, tone matters! Here are some examples:

"What has inspired you to hold that viewpoint?”
(Versus “Have you always held that viewpoint?”)
"How do you feel about that situation?"
(Versus, “Did that situation upset you?”)
"Can you describe your experience with that?"
(Versus “Was that a positive experience for you?”)
"Why do you think that was helpful?"
(Versus “Did you think that was helpful?”)

AFFIRMING OTHERS
allows for a two-way conversation

Find and affirm common ground that you have. Affirming someone’s point does not mean you must agree with everything, and it doesn’t mean you are affirming their worldview. It means you seek to understand their perspective. By acknowledging what they are saying or feeling you are showing you are willing to engage in the conversation.

Finding common ground is seeking identify where your perspectives may overlap.

As with any conversation, tone matters! Here are some examples statements:

“I can understand why you would feel that way.”
“What I hear you saying is…”
“I appreciate that you shared your perspective on this.”
“That sounds like a tough situation.”
“It’s clear you have given this a lot of thought.”
"It's great that we can have this conversation, even if we don't agree."
"I think we both care about similar values, even if we approach them differently."

LISTEN FOR LOGICAL FALLACIES
allows for the points to stay on-topic

A logical fallacy is an error in reasoning where the connection between premises and conclusion is flawed—not necessarily because the conclusion is false, but because the argument is unsound or misleading. It occurs when an argument appears valid on the surface yet fails to establish its conclusion through proper logic.

Below are some phrases that you can use to call out a logical fallacy in someone’s logic:

“Help me understand…”
“Help me understand how that leads to your conclusion.”
“What makes you think…”
“What makes you think that A causes B?”
“Is there evidence for…”
“Is there evidence for that connection, or could it be coincidence?”
“Could we consider another possibility?”
“Could we consider another possibility besides those two?”
“How is that relevant to our discussion?”
“How is that point relevant to the main issue?”
“That’s interesting — why think that’s true?”
“That’s interesting — why do you think that’s true?”

Why this phrasing works:

It avoid confrontation by not naming the fallacy, which can come off as aggressive .
It prompt reflection, leading the speaker to articulate or reassess their reasoning.
It focuses on logic, steering the chat back to evidence and relevance